Do you know the name Chibundu Onuzo? You should. And you will. She is the ridiculously young, gifted and Nigerian writer whose novel, The Spider King's Daughter, will be published next year by Faber. She is 20. That's right. 20!! I can tell you for a fact that everyone at Faber is hugely excited about her debut. As 2012 is rather a way away, you may want to read her blog while you wait: Chibundu blogs at authorsoundsbetterthanwriter. I have her kind permission to reproduce this blog post about some amusing shenanigans on one of her recent flights from Lagos. Thanks Chi!
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The flight was full. Nigerians, it seems are becoming more affluent. So affluent that they now travel with their house girls as one woman announced to the whole plane. Her children were sitting together but the house girl had not been put with children. I mean, what is the point of taking a maid to England if she's not going to look after my children. And I can't look after my children because I'm in Upper Class. Did everyone hear that? I am travelling upper class and my maid has been separated from my children. Air hostess please sort this out so I can go back to Upper Class and stretch out on my fully reclining seat while all of you sit in economy and roast. Of course, no-one wanted to switch seats to let the children be re-united with their nanny. I don't know how that matter ended because I started eavesdropping on the phone conversation taking place next to me.
The woman had just 'flown in and flown out.' It was a 'quick one.' Just 'a few days.' You know how we big girls do. In fact, she wanted to go Upper Class but the plane was full so she had to settle for an economy ticket because she needed to get back to work. You know how we big girls do. If that's all that happened on the flight, it would have been enough gist for me. A little lighthearted showing off from my fellow Nigerians is always of interest. I settled down in my seat, hoping the six hours would go quickly. I was on my first movie when a woman in the row behind me, tapped my neighbour and said,
"Excuse me. Please move your seat forward. It's disturbing me."
My neighbour replied, "No sorry I cannot. The person in front of me has reclined their chair so I must recline mine."
I thought the matter had ended. I returned to my movie. Next thing, the woman punched my neighbour's chair until it was in an upright position. What followed was the most bizarre sequence of events. My neighbour would recline her chair fully. The woman would punch it upright. Recline. Punch. Recline. Punch. During this sequence phrases like,
"You're making me uncomfortable."
"It is my constitutional right to recline my chair."
"You cannot inconvenience me."
"I should have travelled Upper Class."
were thrown around. Eventually, air hostesses had to be called in.The uncomfortable lady could not see her screen, her knees were cramped.
"Then recline your own chair madam," one of the hostesses said reasonably.
"I do not want to recline my chair."
And that was the end of that line of persuasion. Another hostess tried a different tack.
"Madam, why don't you swap seats with your husband if you're so uncomfortable."
"I do not want my husband being inconvenienced by this woman."
At this point, my fellow Nigerians began to join the fray.
"Madam raise your chair small."
"No, she is not the one that should raise her chair. It is this woman that should push back her own."
"Why must we Nigerians always embarrass ourselves outside."
My people, I laughed ehn. At first, I tried to hide it by covering my mouth but as the confra grew noisier my laughter increased in volume. Eventually a compromise was reached. My neighbour reclined her chair half way and the matter was closed. I returned to my movie with tears still in my eyes.
About an hour later, the inconvenienced passenger's husband decided to try his own luck. He too felt that the lady in front of him (also in my row) had reclined her chair too far back. He had also seen how successful his wife had been. So he tapped the lady and said, "Excuse me, your seat is too far back."
Her response was classic.
"Don't even start that nonsense."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you shut up the passenger behind you when he/she tries to impinge on your constitutional right to fully recline your plane seat.